I, Robot and I want a diaper

Time and again I have tried to put this very clear that I am a 'dreamer'. And yeah yeah I am not the only one. Yada. Yada. But I take the business of dreaming more seriously than anyone else (except John Dorion). I have fought more ghosts in my dream to put ghostbusters to shame. I have rescued princesses more number of times than Prince of Persia and I have reveled in more cheesecake than which can be churned by The Cheesecake Factory. Not only that, I have single handedly won every major Nobel, Grammy, Oscar and Victoria’s Cross than a mere mortal is allowed to boast of. Just other night I won an Emmy for playing Mr Garcia, the horse rider. Its a show in which Mr Garcia rides the horse. No other character or dialogues, just Mr. Garcia and the horse. And - listen this, recently I lived inside my apartment for 14 consecutive days and survived on drinking, eating and schmoozing on dreams alone. Survive that Bear Grylls!

Nevertheless I had yesterday what I would call pointe-de-zenithio of my dreams. It was one of those dreams, which when you have you never want to wake up. And I wouldn't have woken up except for the minor case of bladder emergency. Two parts of brain, two ears, two eyes and one bladder? Remind me, I need to make a backup storage unit to rectify Gods mistake.

So here is what happened:

The year: 2018.

I had just finished my book and national bestseller "I, Robot and I want a diaper". It was a soul searching and gut-wrenching story of one robot who got tired one day of leaking grease from its arm-pits and decided to rebel against its makers for right to poop more gracefully. Stripped of its dignity it had no choice but to stage a dharna in front of World Nations Head Quarters (Lonavala, India). And for rest what happened you can read on your own. (You can pre-order copies from Amazon.com, all that money will go into charity to make my palace in Central Park, NY).

It had been on National bestseller list for 10 straight months and had even put Rowlings never ending saga of 'Harry potter' behind (Yeah, by 2018 she had made Lord Voldemort alive again - and for the 4th time! Harry and Hermione had sort of a one night stand and their love child became the next wizard to fight Voldemort.) This was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life. I knew it would come. And it did. The phone rang. I picked up. And yes - this was it.

'Hold on now, you are so close.'

Yes, I had just been called for an interview with none other than Stephen Colbert to discuss my book! Now SC or Steve as I love to call him is not a mere mortal sir. He is a rare combination of beauty with brains. Of spectacular eyes with moustacheless machomism. And he delivers. Faster than FedEx, DHL or pigeons of world war 2. He is more than a cultural icon. In fact on my desktop, he is the only icon.

Steve is a legend. His roast in 2006, his numerous moments of head-butting, tongue twisting, word wrapping have made him more powerful than Dalai Lama, Popes and Garfield put together. And I, his greatest living Indian fan had been preparing for this 'Lakshya' my whole life. This ladies and gentleman was the actual reason for me to write that book. Years of strategy learnt from 'Apprentice' had finally paid off.

My thrillness knew no bounds! To be on the sets of Steve, was going to be the greatest eve of my life I had set to achieve!

I am now on the sets of 'The Colbert Show' and as it happens I would be interviewed by Steve in last 10 mins. I am trembling and sitting there I am wondering if there is earthquake and if there is why the hell everybody is not being evacuated. Oh no, its just me. I prayed lord to give me strength and courage to face my hero and check if I had my handkerchief in my upper pocket in case I can’t... hold myself back

Wooooo.... Wooooo... Yey... Yey... Rise ladies and gentlemen... (Stephen does his routine to reach the desk of the invited speaker). And then he comes and sits across that famous polished hard wood desk bought from Ikea for 1o0$.

SC: Now ladies and..

Me: OMG! OMG! OMG! (Shrieking manly and uncontrollably)

SC (suddenly startled)

Me: OMG... steve... I am here... its you... dude, is this real?

SC (startled n continues): Yeah, and ladies and gentleman tonight we have a special guest who is going to speak on the agony of being a robot whose rights to poop were taken off before he was born. So Sir, why should we be concerned off...

Me: Stephen, how do you do it? I have been watching you for 15 years now, and I cannot imagine I am sitting right across my idol, my hero, my santa claus. I have a room plastered with your greatest moments.

SC: Well Dr Anand, I appreciate very much but as I was saying

Me: Stephen, can I hold your hands??

SC: Excuse Me?

Me: Yeah... I want the memory of this moment to last forever. If Deathstar now decides to implode our planet, I want this to be the last memory on this planet earth before I join you in heaven. I'll be your screenwriter, copyrighter, Xerox boy or even your co-desk-sharer if you want.

SC: hmmm... well sorry I already gave the spot of accompanying me to heaven to my first screenwriter. But lets go on, what is this book about? How did you get inspiration to write this?

Me: Fine. We will come to my proposal later... to be honest, it isn’t that one day I got hit in head and decided to write something. Its just that I watched my girlfriend Candella11A and we talked about certain...

SC: wait a min! Candella11A?

Me: Oh right, yeah my girlfriend. She is a class A robot. She feels somewhat hurt if I mention that she is not human. But we have been together for last three years now.

SC: Oh, so you are one of those interspecial couples. How did this happen?

Me: Well, it was sort of a chance meet. I was walking inside a major Science Exhibition couple of years ago, when I accidently bumped into someone. When I looked at her, she was simply the shiniest, glossiest thing I had ever seen. I knew it right then that we have to be together. And then I helped her get up, and put back her batteries where it should be and that’s how it all started. Next day I went her home with an Energizer AA set and apologized and she graciously put them behind her eye sockets. Her Laser eyes glimmered with a shine equivalent to 10 Saturn moons on a starry night that day.

SC: So three years and still going strong?

Me: Yups, pretty much. I wake up every day, fill her up with Penz Special Grade Oil first thing in morning and in between we chat, sms from time to time and I even monitor her from my office using a webcam. Just the other day I surprised her by bringing the newest i6400 core processor from Intel.

SC: But why her??

Me: Well many reasons. Unlike female homo sapiens, she doesn’t argue, doesn’t waste money, no drama, no anger and she doesn’t get hot - even when I hide her Cooling Unit. And she does the best job in the whole world in ironing my pants (I stand up and show my wrinkle-free pants to the audience). See... See not a single wrinkle anywhere! What more can a guy want?

SC: hahaha, ok. Fascinating. Do your parents know about it? how did they react to it? And what about next step?

Me: It was hard at first, but now they seem to understand. And we haven't thought about it yet, but we might go for IVRF (In-vitro Robo Fertilization). You know science has come great way, now next gen robots have ovaries inside them. Candella11A is of last generation so she didn’t had any, but we are talking about it. Let’s see.

SC: Ok. so what about this book...

Me: Forget it Steve... Steve can I ask you a ques? What hair gel brand do you use? I have tried so many, but I just can’t get mine to look as slick as yours. And what about your eye frame? What do you use to polish those silvery frames? BTW, I am your biggest Indian fan you know that?

SC: Laughing. Oh that can’t be true.

Me: Seriously, see I have been waiting for this moment my entire adult life or at least since I met you on my Philips 32 inch TV. Now would you tell me what brand of cereals you use for your breakfast? How about a lunch at my place? Candella11A cooks an awesome shaahi paneer.

SC (laughing): You sir, with your awesome awesomeness have just Stephened me on my own show.

Me: Hey Stephen, I just stephened you. Don’t I get a cool nickname for doing that?

SC (laughing): You meathead, I declare you my greatest Indian fan possible.

Me: Meathead? Me! yaiyyyyyyyy

and then yaiyyyy cut short for the bladder emergency :(

Disclaimer: All the stuff mentioned above is a surreal hypothetical stuff. DO NOT PRINT IT AND INGEST IT.